Engaged! (Well not entirely officially but whatever)

Last Friday night after going out to Shannon's Irish Pub (fun little place, but with an older crowd... they had strongbow on tap though so I was happy) with a bunch of coworkers and friends to hang out, Zak drove me home. (He hates it whenever I drive after drinking any amount of alcohol). Zak and I got into a heated discussion in the car over the subject of what I want with my life. What I want. Not what my mom wants, not what my dad wants, not what Zak, my friends, my coworkers, or the world wants, but what I want. Of course I start crying.

I honestly have no idea what I want. All I know is that I want Zak for the rest of my life by my side. I want my family to be happy, and hopefully at least a little proud of me and my decisions. I want to finish school at some point. I don't want to get married when I'm 21. I want to live with Allison for at least a year. I want to move to Colorado when Zak is out of the Navy. I don't want Zak to go off on deployment for any length of time but at the same time I do since I am so proud of him serving our country.

But then the questions start.

Why don't I want Zak to live with me now?
   My mom and dad would not be proud of that. I don't want to move in with him until I am engaged. Which will be soon.

Why don't I want to get married when I'm 21, when I could be happy marrying Zak tomorrow in Vegas?
     1)     I want my parents and his parents there when we get married. I want to wear a white dress. If those 2 things are involoved then I could marry him tomorrow. However, my parents at least will not be happy going to my wedding tomorrow in vegas with a random white dress that I bought at Kohl's, and honestly I would not be happy either.
     2)     Meaghan and Jon. Married when she was 20, he was 21... they are not happy now, not even a year later. The rumor was that she was considering a divorce. Not that I'm saying that I see Zak and I having major problems or getting divorced, I don't. I'm just scared out of my mind marrying young when I see so many of those marriages not working out. I would rather wait another year... which doesn't really make much sense but in my mind with nothing to back it up, it makes perfect sense.
     3)     I'm so scared. I love Zak with my whole mind, spirit, and body. I'm just scared. He is too, but what I love about Zak is that he can be impulsive most of the time and sometimes just decides that he wants to marry me tomorrow and is ready to jump in not thinking of the consequences And I love that we are different in that way. However, I'm only sometimes impulsive, and on big decisions like this I am not impulsive at all.

And so many more questions that I don't even have answers for.


After this discussion, we had already made it to his place by the end of it. He held me in his arms until I finally stopped crying. Then he said those magic words, "I'm not waiting until you decide you're finally read anymore. Will you marry me?" and I said yes. Of course, he still has to talk to my dad when he gets home at the end of the month and he's going to get me a ring eventually but I'm not worried. To us, and everyone I've told already, we're engaged and happy. Almost giddy. I love him so much.



I love you Zak. You are the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
Love me, xoxo

__________________________________________

Shannon's Pub

Shannons Irish Pub: Julington Creek now has their own Family Pub and restaurant. Situated at the corner of San Jose and Race Track road, behind the Gate Station.

I Just Don't Know Anymore

There are several problems in my life right now. The present one is the type of font to use on a blog that no one will end up seeing anyways. That's a bit ridiculous. Kind of like when you start to worry about how your hair looks when you are just driving in the car. No one is going to see or care what your hair looks like! If the occasional passenger happens to look over, it will never cross their mind that you are the laziest person in the world.

In other news, I have a lot of problems in the home. My mom for one. Oh, and my mom for another. I love her to death, do not get me wrong there. We usually have a good time, she's fun to be around, and we have had a lot of good memories of good times and hanging out. However on the other hand she is occasionally mentally and vocally abusive, and tends to forget things she says and/or things I say and tends to replace those forgotten phrases with phrases of her own.

We have the best relationship whenever I do not live in the same house. We had a horrible relationship in high school, then when I moved out into the dorm we were on ok terms, moved back for the summer and I almost ran away, moved out into my apartment and we had a great relationship, and now I've been home since then and we are down each other's throats. I'm sure I help some of these arguments start, but at other times it's her being stressed out from my dad not being here at the moment, them moving to Texas soon and leaving me behind, and my brother is not doing well in school at the moment, and she likes to take the stress out on me.

Last night, I was talking to Zak on the phone and he asked me what I was doing that evening. I replied that I was "at home and tonight I'm going to watch Blake while my mom goes to bible study". My mom then yelled at me while I was on the phone that Blake does not need to be watched, so I then changed the sentence to Zak saying I was going to be hanging out with my brother that evening at home. My mother proceeded to attack me saying he doesn't need to be watched, you never are home, and her usual spiel. I had to tell Zak I would talk to him later because I couldn't even understand what he was saying because I was trying to figure out what my mom was saying and why she was flipping out. After hanging up the phone I asked what her problem was, and apparently I treat my mom and Blake like a "job", I always saying that "I'm going home to... I'm going home to..." as if I only go home to do something, and that I am not part of the family, only her, dad, and Blake were because I don't participate enough, I am never home, I make Blake feel like shit when I say I am staying home to watch him like he needs to be babysat, which he doesn't apparently, and I make her and Blake feel like shit all the time when I treat them like a "job".

Here is why I got upset and started talking back which proceeded in her yelling at me more before walking away...

1. I was home 5 out of 7 days last week... how is that me not being home at all?
2. I am always doing something, not just doing nothing, so me saying the I'm going home to do something should not be a problem since I go other places to do things too
3. She started yelling at me on the phone, instead of attacking me after I hung up
4. She always has to bring Blake into the mix... when asked later on that evening whether or not he took offense to me saying that I was watching him he rolled his eyes and replies "no, that's what you were going to be doing, watching me and hanging out around the house with me"
5. just a few weeks ago my brother snuck out of the house (go him! I never had the guts to do it though I thought about it all the time!) and incidentally got caught by the cops since it was 2 am and he's only 15, and since then my mom has said that he needs to be watched 24/7 and needs to be babysat... but apparently that rule has since then been revoked with no indication to me
6. no participation with the family... woman! I work 20 hours a week at the school, more than 30 usually at the restaurant, go to school, tutor, and I still find time to hang out with Blake, and occasionally you during the week, I take Blake to school, and some where in the mix I find time for my boyfriend who I love, and the friends who ask me to hang out... when do you f'ing want me to participate in all of that time!?!?

fun times at my house.

So after this whole charade, she went to go calm down, and I went to go start packing so that if she happens to have one of these fits again this week I can just move my stuff into Zak's until Allison and I move in together in March. She eventually came to me and apologized and asked if I knew why she got upset. In order not to start another argument I replied "You want me home more, and to be home hanging out with the family and not treating you guys like a job" instead of what I wanted to say "No. I also really don't understand what you want from me anymore. Let me leave so we can have a good relationship before you leave to move to Texas".

Zak, Colleen, and others always ask me why I just don't move out already, especially after my mom goes crazy on me. The truth is, I want to leave on a good note. I don't want to leave in the middle of an argument, because knowing my mother, she won't talk to me for a few months and then I won't be able to hang out with her or Blake before they leave. If it comes to the point however, in which she adds too much stress to my life because she can't handle how I handle my lifestyle and time, then I will be moving out early. But I will try to do it in the nicest possible way.



I need less stress. This is why Zak needs to get the camper and we go camping one day of the week, every week. Just to keep my sanity.

First Blog That No One Will Ever Read...

Sitting at my job here at a private school where I work as a teaching assistant who does nothing but sit on her ass. Oh, I may complete grading a few papers here and there but all in all I do my own homework and read on my Nook. On this here blog on which no one will ever lay their eyes except for myself I will lay out my anger and frustrations and joy and happiness for no one to ever see! Enjoy :)